I'm Taking Back My Love

I am writing this for you. You and only you. Everyone else who is reading this is just reading it. They don't understand it, only you will. You need to know this - all of this, because if you don't know it now, you may never know and I cant live with that.

I thought I had so much more time. I thought I had years to tell you what I have been wanting to tell you so I have been putting it off for tomorrow. But it turns out that I have no time. So I have to tell you right now hoping that you would listen and listen well.

There are so many photographs that you have yet to see - photographs taken only for you. And there are so many letters that you have never read - letters meant only for you. And there are so many plans that you have not heard about, that you should have known. And my heart, my silly heart that yearns for you, you haven't even seen it all all. But you must, because right now may be the only time I get to show you.

I know I’m not perfect, and may never be. In fact there is no point in making this perfect, because perfection makes it all boring, only the pursuit of perfection makes it exciting. And you know we are exciting. So I know that I am going to continue to ruin perfectly romantic moments by saying something silly, and you will continue to make me mad by cracking a sarcastic joke at the wrong time. But the truth is, I want to get mad at you. And I want to yell at you and I want to fight with you and want you to make it up to me. No matter how frustrated I get, I don't want it to stop, because that is what makes it special in its own screwed up way. And I always want to do something silly and blame you for it. I want to give you the first spoonful of whatever it is that I am about to eat and I want to do that for the rest of time. I do. I really do.

And I want you to get mad at me so that I can tell you how adorable you look and show you how perfectly I fit into your arms even when you don't want me to. There are so many things that I want to do for you, so many things that we need to see together, like the snow and the beach.

I know it defies logic. And I know it is not simple, but here is something I never told you before: loving you is the easiest thing I have known, and that is the truth. Can't you see it, that you are just a silly girl who belongs with me and only me, because why would God ever make the wrong man love you in all the right ways? He knows it all, and He must have a plan. Please don't mess with His plan.

Everlasting Memories of a First Experience!

Your first is always special. It always holds a unique place in your heart and in your life. I am not just talking about the first guy/girl in your life…but of experiences which were a first in your life. It can be anything…be it your first crush, your first drink, your first date, your first kiss, your first love, your first job, your first day in college and many such special moments…they tend to imprint on your memories to be cherished!

Everlasting Memories of a First Experience!

These firsts are sometimes also our last. Life is a constant journey filled with bundles of joy and sorrow. We walk through various phases each day making us learn a new aspect about the world around us. Of these, some aspects and people in certain cases, become really special to us, thus securing a niche within us. These moments never cease to exist from our memory.

By now, hopefully this piece is reminding you of some definite yet fortunate incidents that have occurred in your life. So, what is the big deal about these first encounters in our life? Those awkward clashes, running and bumping into people, accidentally jarring towards a solution which you and your peers were breaking your heads on…the list simply goes on!

The process is everlasting which constantly adds that zing and excitement in our lives. In other words, it gives us an opportunity to reinvent ourselves and form new bonds and attachments with people and places. This bond cannot be replaced by any substitute. After all, these attachments are not formed to fade away with time; otherwise being human would cease to exist!

At same time, there are certain experiences which we would like to forget but cannot do so. You guessed it right! I am talking about those goof-ups which we could have avoided but bumped into them. And then we move on thinking to ourselves, “Oh crap! If I could have just avoided him/her…It would have been so much easier otherwise! This is so embarrassing!” There are other similar instances where we feel, “If I could have answered that question appropriately in the viva, may be I would have got full marks!” But then, how can we forget the biggest of all the remorse of what went wrong in the past – “Agar hum thoda aur padh lete, toh aaj hum bhi NIT ya IIT main hote!” And the regrets are endless!

Over a period of time, we realize that these are our first encounters to failure and so, even they are deeply ingrained into our soul. And then we move on again to receive our first paycheck which gives us that feeling of exhilaration which is simply unmatched. That paycheck maybe your good result, inflarious win over a debate/quiz..or it maybe your salary..Today, we might be at a place where we must be encountering the fresh minds yet what remains with us was the time as a memory when we were those fresh minds.

That feeling of anxiety, nervousness yet being excited on our first bicycle ride, the first class that we attended in school/college, the first time we voted and above all, our first crush and first love…they are hard to forget!

When it comes to first crush or first love, it surely does bring back a smile on our face. In most cases, it is either a schoolmate or a teacher whom we secretly admired. As rightly said, first love never fades away! The first date is still cherished; those gifts and love letters are safely stacked away in some corner where no one can find them.Although I don’t have such letters and gifts with me..still..i can think about the ongoings in a students life..the student’s love life… The small gestures that we did for our beloved still dwells within us! And in the process, we definitely cannot forget our first heartbreak…nothing could have been more painful than that.

And being a vicious circle, there is a first when we met our better half…it sure is a moment when we promise to spend the rest of our lives together! So, another series of firsts start in the form of our own family. Over a period of time, our life becomes a picture of memories which we look back and smile on.

Love Is Not Taken For Granted

Sigh.

I am beginning this with a sigh. A sigh because I’m exhausted and haven’t slept for hours. A sigh because I am disappointed. A sigh because life has once again taken a very unexpected turn. A sigh because sometimes I don’t know what else to say or do. Just for clarity’s sake, and I’m not going to go into details here, but I will say it involves a

broken heart

– namely mine.

Oh life, why do you kick me in the head so often? Better question, why do I let myself get kicked?

I think I can answer that one: because without love, on multiple levels, what is life about?


Love hurts. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. I feel both stronger than I have ever been and weaker than I’ve ever felt all at the same time. I feel like up is down and down is up and somewhere in the middle is a balance that I am just yearning for. For the first time in my life I’ve become an insomniac with no appetite.

But I’m alive.

We take risks. We love. We lose. We hurt. We learn. We find joy. We find sorrow.And atlast what we get??a broken heart lying deep inside our body prevailing all over our mind..all the time...!why..i am asking to the god..why??????????????

So what I have learned is that you can only meet people where they are, take them for who they are, choose to love them (or not) as they are and remember to remain true to yourself and your journey and love yourself. That’s all you can do. Nothing more, nothing less.

And you learn. And then keeping moving forward.

I think I have forgotten who I am and how strong I am. I think for so long I’ve let myself be defined by what I’m not that I’ve forgotten who I already am.

So now what? Who do I want to be? What do I want my life to look like? What is happy for me?


I want to forgive myself, love myself and move on. I want out of the basement. I want to stop feeling like I need someone else to love me to feel good. For once I want to learn to love myself; as I am now, with extra weight and a broken heart and a million other imperfections.

A friend of mine posted a wonderful quote on Facebook the other day. My favorite part was: “never regret anything that made you smile.”

I have no regrets.

I did what I did with truth and love in my heart.

So today, it’s time to move forward again. I am still a little shaky, still a little sad but confident that I am worth so much more than I’ve ever given myself credit for.

And I will survive. No, I will do more than survive, I will flourish and grow and change. Why not? Why can’t I be what I want to be? The answer is I don’t know why not – there is NO reason that I can’t do or be what I want to be.

So here’s to a new day, hopefully a good night of sleep and moving forward in so many ways.

Life really is beautiful.

Signing off..
.....!Amiya a.k.a. Amit.....!

Fact or Destiny??

Is it a fact or is it just my imagination. I met up with a friend at the INSIGHT Bookstore and before leaving for home we were browsing around. I was standing before a carefully picked out "student's choice" section when my I chanced upon two books lying around Chetan Bhagat's Five Point Someone.


One was an IIM Bangalore alumnus autobiographical novel "Everything You Desire". I had not heard the name of this one before . Harshdeep Jolly, the author, writes about his 21 months at the IIMB — his academic trials, adventurous campus life, a few love stories as literary and non-academic treats!

Well, sounds interesting, but I left that and looked at another "branded" book, this time by an IITian. Tushar Raheja's "Anything for you Ma'am". The site says:


"As a professor in IIT Delhi is busy with his love, the "Biobull"; a revolutionary bus that will run on human discharge and provide a somewhat funny yet, inexhaustible alternate fuel.....one of his students is busy with his love, a girl thankfully. Peaceful, eh? Yup and just the peaceful playground for Mr. Fate to stick his bally foot in....Tejas can’t help falling madly in love with his sister’s beautiful best friend Shreya even though she lives at the other end of the nation, in Chennai….and he would do anything for her….even jeopardize his career to travel the length of the country just to meet her".

Well! Sounds a lot like a Bollywood script. The simple flow of words makes it sound like a long blog post! I'm sure both might make an interesting read. Not very sure actually. But I promise to read if I make it to the CA ! ;) Jokes apart, both these writers have definitely used their management skills to the optimum. Following Chetan Bhagat I guess, both the books are priced at only 100 bucks! I'm sure no one would mind spending a 100 bucks to read this stuff. But then again, when you have similar blogs to read, especially if you are writing about "your journey through the IIMs/IITs", I guess the number who would buy these books would be few.

Hmm! If I will study at IIM, I guess the writing bug would bite me too! Now, what will I write. How to ruin ur career in 10 easy ways!
Now that will be a BESTEST-SELLER..!

When I'm Gone

Well life no longer inspires me... the dreary no news sorts posts the effect... Life's the usual... Dunno if i want things out of the blue or out of the rainbow...

Definitely I am not made to crack any of the entrances this time around, screwed my last terminal real bad... My board exam preparations are going like any terminal exams should be going(i never ever study for the terminals)... My pathetic performance makes me smile... The tension before the exam and the absolute lackadaisical attitude to the mess created in those three hours don't make me go "OUCH" or make me clean up in the one that follows next... The randomly generated marks of last terminals whether I've done well or not makes me at least self assured I'd be lying in a particular percentage bracket... The subjects have never inspired me... No wonder my parents noticed my dry responses on what got me to pursue engineering... Sigh... I really want some time out for myself... Read a lot... read my kinda stuff... Enjoy a good chai break without the hurry to go back to studying... Enjoy staring into the blue sky for hours on end... That reminds me of BABU CHAI up near our home... Woohoo... And as my friend tells me they give malai in the chai for free... And then you know life can be beautiful if only for that bit of a malai in the hot chai...and good company can drive the blues away...

College is slowly coming to an end... Everything cherished is going to go far to make way for new... probably material pursuits will replace them... take the intangible place but if only they'd satisfy me... If only i'd not miss the people who form part of my life now...

Sometimes going away looks like the best placebo I could have asked for... But sometimes the wish to stick up a li'l longer... To not let people go away from me this early on... Living a life without them... When they'd not be a message or a call away... When the light in the lighthouse would go out where everything that was for me to call my own will have to be given up on... Sometimes you question why wishes are granted if only you have to make it to be a beautiful dream with the worst hang over... Life will go on... dunno if it'll be as beautiful as it is now... I so want to make the most of my last 2 months...

But life will be life... unpredictable and fickle as ever... and we'd be just caught adjusting to the vicissitudes...

And...finally...i want to thank my best-est friend's elder sister for suggesting me such a nice title for this blog...thank U DIDI!!